THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY

It was November 06, 2019 when we first talked. It was a night full of unsaid thought running on my mind when I decided to use Omegle. I met him through that site. We talked about our life happenings, hobbies, pets, and everything. Usually that site was full of rumors about "horny" "disrespectful" guys, but he proved it wrong.

So when I got comfortable, he gave his facebook account and I gave mine too. We talked there. We get to know each other more, it's unending convo, no worries to be disconnected.

Weeks passed, he's still consistent with chatting me, I like how he was really hands-on to me even though we're really apart from each other. He filled the gap I needed. He cared. He protected and loved me. And that's another reason why I took the risk to meet him personally.

Night before we met, I told him that our conversation is not normal for friendship, so I asked if he had plans to pursue me and guess what he said, yes. November 24, 2019 when it happened, at first I'm really uncomfy and shy yet as time passed by, he made me feel comfortable and we enjoyed things as if it's our last.

We get to know each other more personally, we ask each other some questions. We took some pictures. We ate together. We had really fun. The most memorable part is before we bid goodbye, he kissed me on my forehead and with that I felt so respected and loved.

The next coming days after we met, he didn't change. He's still consistent with his actions and words, actually medyo nag improve. He always ask how my day went, what I did in school and after telling him my everyday life happenings he would always tell me "I'm so proud of you, You did great today.” Felt so much emotions everyday with that statement, it never gets old. I love how he really missed me.

December 2019 came, he's still the same, he never changed. Bagyong Tisoy came, power was interrupted for a week, we never had communication everyday, but he always made sure I'm okay and felt loved. He always made a poem for me. He always update how his day went although I'm not replying because of power interruption and weak connection. But if I'm at the school where there is electricity and connection, I always find time to chat with him and make a lil' bit convo. He told me that bagyong tisoy made his patience long and I felt so special at that time.

After a week or so, I'm really confused with what I'm taking, and especially the 6 years age gap bothered me the most. I was 16 turning 17 while he was 22 that time. So after a day or two of evaluating the situations, I came up with the decision to let him stop pursuing me. I was young. I was confused. Nevertheless, it doesn't stop him.

He always chatted me, asked how my day went and all although I'm not replying (too bad). He's still consistent. He never changed.

Year 2020 came, I was still unsure yet my heart can't stop from talking to him. No malicious talking, I get cringe whenever he talks sweetly. We continue talking but not really the same before. Yet, he still cared, protected, and made me feel loved.

I repeat HE'S SO SERIOUS AND CONSISTENT!!!

Btw he always asks me for a weekly get away every weekend from december 2019 until March but I refused all the time. I always make excuses.

March 2020, lockdown happened, we talked a lot. He helped me in my online classes, in every way he can. He always updates me how his day went. I fell in love with him again, but still not really sure. Yet, we still continue talking.

ECQ and GCQ were lifted. He still never gets tired asking me to go out cause he misses me a lot daw. I always refused. I wasn't still sure. November 2020 we got really close again, we pissed each other a lot and made some chikas. He shared his future plan with me. He asks again if I can go out, I can but I don't want to yet.

Been a year of not seeing each other. Btw, he's really excited about my debut. December came, we talked but not everyday. I know he's really busy with his work. On the 21st day he asked me if I could meet him, yet I refused.

Although we're in the same city that time, its like I wasn't really sure to see him. We never had communication in the next coming days until new year came, he greeted me and I greeted him too.

Never expected that was our last convo.

My debut came, he knew it. I waited for him to greet me but nothing came So I just thought that he was busy. After my birthday, I've been missing him a lot, my friends knew how I really longed for him, they know how I'm really kilig and excited to see him because finally "I'm sure about me and him".

Weeks passed when I went to the city with my friends and omg! I don’t know if it's him but i'm so conscious and kilig because there's this one guy in the jeepney who looks really the same as him.

I told my friend that "uy wtf kasakay ko si ano". And when me and my two friends met at the mall I was really kilig telling them about him and how I was really longing for him, he never replied to my chats.

So when I got home, I texted him like "Uy ikaw ba nakita ko kanina? Sorry if ang snob ko, naconscious din kasi ako". Yet he never replied. I told my friend that I'm gonna call him the other day if he still doesn't reply.

Three minutes passed after telling my friend, I saw some post saying that he was gone. It never sinks on my mind kasi sabi ko nakita ko pa lang siya. It was his last burial day and I don’t know what to do. I cried and cried. I called my friend and told her everything. Good thing I have a one call away friend to join me to attend on his interment day.

I was still in denial, I still can't accept. Regrets are racing in my mind. It's one of the toughest situations in my life, days passed I still mourn for him. My day won't be complete if he doesn't cross on my mind.

Months passed before his 40th day, I finally knew that he had someone before he died. Felt so many emotions that day because I assumed I was his only love before he died. But I was wrong nevertheless that doesn't stop me from mourning, I know I had a big part of his life. He taught me so many lessons in life which I won't forget. He helped me back then in any ways he could. I owe him big time. He's a standard setter.

A letter to him:

My dear, I love and I miss you so much. I know you're happy up there, No pain. I felt relieved that you won't experience those pain in this cruel world. Thank you for still helping me to heal these wounds in my heart. You've had a big part in my life which I won't forget. You bring out the best in me. Forever still grateful for I still had the chance to know you tho it's just limited. Till we meet again!

M.K

2019

BSNursing

Unknown

IN REPLY TO: POLO

(PART 4)

Hi babe, mahal, my love. I don't know where to start since I am not fan into writing confessions. But I know you deserve an answer. Kahit papaano, you deserve this.

The moment our friends sent your story sa gc, i felt attacked. I don't know what to react. I was attacked by my guilt. Alam kong ayaw mong mag-kwento sa iba but you end up telling your story sa isang 'secret files'. I felt so sorry kase obviously, wala ka ng mapagsabihan because all these years, naka-focus ka sakin. I am you're boyfriend at the same time your bestfriend.

All this time, hindi ko alam kung anong nangyari sayo. Gusto kong magsumbong sa mga kaibigan natin pero naipit ako sa sitwasyong kailanman hindi ko ginusto, pero kasalanan ko. Kasama ko mag-ina ko kaya hindi kita mapuntahan. Ayaw rin kitang kumustahin kase natatakot akong baka kapag sinabi mong you're not okay, I'll be running back to you.

Alam kong naintindihan mo ang desisyon ko. Ikaw pa ba? Kelan mo ba ako hindi naintindihan? Kelan mo ba sinabing mali ako? Our entire relationship was managed by you. Ikaw palaging umiintindi. Akala ko dahil lang sa Psych-major ka kaya ganyan ka. Pero mali pala. Nag-iisa kalang. Hindi na kita makikita pa sa iba. Wala na sana akong mahihiling pa pero mahal, pasensya kana, huli na nung na-realize ko na “panalo na sana, binitawan ko pa.”

Pasensya kana ha, kung naging marupok ako. You're too kind that I end up taking you for granted. Ilang beses akong nakipagkita sa ex ko because that time I was bored. Pakiramdam ko paulit-ulit nalang ang nangyayari sa relasyon natin. Kaya 'nung nag-message sakin ex ko, pinatulan ko.

Hindi ko man lang iniisip ang maaring kahinatnan ng ginawa ko. Ang alam ko lang, hindi mo'ko mahuhuli at minsan lang naman. She was my first love, that's why I missed talking to her. Unang beses naming pagkikita, kinakabahan pa'ko kase this is the first time I lied to you. Hanggang sa nasundan ng nasundan at para bang madali nalang kitang takasan. There was this time, na pinagdudahan mo'ko, but then again, I just explain and pinaniwalaan mo'ko.

Ilang buwan kaming nag-catch up ng ex ko. Aaminin ko, after months of being bored sa relationship natin, naging masaya ulit ako. I know that was wrong but i was really happy catching up with her.

Months passed, patuloy naming ginawa. Until month of November after ko nakipagkita sa kanya sa umaga at sinundo kita sa trabaho kinagabihan, i realized na grabe na. Sobrang makasalanan ko na. Inaatake ako ng konsensya ko. Bawat tingin ko sa mga mata mo, nasasaktan ako. Napupuyat na rin ako kakaisip ng 'what if malaman mo'. Kaya nag-decide ako na itigil na.

Month of December, nakipagkita ako sa ex ko. I told her itigil na namin. I thought that was our last meeting but na-shocked ako when she told me,

“I want to stop too, pero kinakabahan ako kase this month delayed ako”

Para akong binuhusan ng buo-buong yelo sa mukha. Negative thoughts are eating me alive. Kung kailan naisipan kong itigil na, dun pa nagka-problema. Balisa akong umuwi hanggang makarating ako sa bahay.

Sa mga panahon na'yun, I thought hindi mo nahalata, not until I read your confession. I forgot na kilalang kilala mo pala ako. Bawat galaw ko napapansin mo.

Kinabahan ako sa nangyari, and I keep on praying and hoping that she's not pregnant. Pero tama nga sila, digital na ang karma. Day after that, she called. She told she was pregnant. Hindi na ako nagtanong, i know i am the father. I know my ex, she's too inlove with me kaya alam kong ako lang ang kinikita niya.

Kahit na sobrang naguluhan ako sa nangyari, isa lang ang sigurado ko. I won't let my child grow in a broken family. And with that, I know na kailangan kitang i-sakripisyo. Kelangan kong pagbayaran ang pagkakamali ko. Walang kasalanan ang magiging anak ko, kaya kailangan kong panindigan ang nagawa ko.

I treasured all the days left. Bumawi ako sayo. Lahat ng gusto kong iparamdam sayo, lahat ng gusto kong gawin, ginawa ko. Kahit man lang sa huling pagkakataon, i did my best for you. Makabawi man lang ako sa kabaitan mo. Kahit alam kong hinding-hindi ko mababayaran ang kasalanang nagawa ko pero makita lang kitang masaya, masaya narin ako. After all, I don't deserve you. You’re too much for me.

"Kc. let's break-up amicably, Buntis si **** at ako ang ama.”

Natulala ka. Umiiyak ka. Pinaiyak kita. Ang sakit, sobra. T@ngin@ karma tama na. Gusto kong angkinin lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman mo. Pero hanggang sa huli, bilib parin ako sayo. Hindi mo man lang ako sinigawan. Hindi mo man lang ako sinaktan. Hindi mo man lang ako tinanong kung bakit ko nagawa. Tahimik ka lang habang umiiyak.

"Pötä naman Kc, magsalita ka! Wag kang pumayag na makipaghiwalay ako” Gusto kong sabihin yan sayo pero natatakot akong kapag kumontra ka, bibigay ako. Baka tuluyan kong tatalikuran ang responsibilidad ko.

Mas masakit tignan na sinasarili mo lahat, na sa tingin mo sa lahat ng oras maintindihan mo'ko. Nakatulugan mo ang pag-iyak. Binuhat kita papuntang kama, at hinalikan ka sa noo.

"Please be happy Kc ..." that's my christmas wish for you.

I decided to leave that night. Hindi na kita kayang tignan. You're right, the pain is too much to take.

Thank you for all the love Kc and I'm sorry for giving you pain in return. Thank you for understanding me until the end. Thank you for letting me go. Maybe this is already the end of us. I never expect this to happen. But yeah, everything happens for a reason.

Yes, I'm getting married soon. Tulad mo, ayoko ring pagsisihan ang naging desisyon ko. I'll try my best to be a good husband to my future wife and be the best father also.

I know i have no right say this, but please be strong. You're the best girl. I know you'll get over this. Please remember, you’re worth it. Hindi ka nagkulang, ako ang sumobra. I loved you.

Chrstn

2021

Engineering

FEU

POLO III

(PART 3)

Nagising nalang akong wala kana. Nakatulugan na yata kita kagabi. Halos wala akong makita sa sobrang maga ng mata ko. Hindi parin ako makapaniwala sa nangyari. Pumasok ako ng cr at tinignan ang balcony, nagbabaka sakaling andun ka pa at prank lang lahat. Pero hindi kita nakita.

Kinuha ko cellphone ko at tulad ng inasahan ko, chinat moko. “Sorry, nauna na ko. Hindi ko rin kase alam kung paano ka harapin ... “ As usual long message. Dun ka mahilig. Hindi ko na tinapos basahin, wala namang magbabago.

Pareho tayong galing sa broken family, kaya pareho nating ayaw dun. Kaya nga ayaw rin nating magbaby muna dba? Kaya naiintindihan ko kung bakit sya ang pinili mo. Sa tagal nating magkasama, alam kong yan ang magiging desisyon mo. Bonus nalang na ex mo yan, at alam kong minahal mo yan bago ako. Kaya hindi na ganun kahirap sayong ipagpalit ako.

Maraming tanong ang tumatakbo sa utak ko

“bakit satin pa nangyari to?”

“bakit ka nagloko? bat moko niloko?”

“San ba ko nagkulang?”

“Kelan pa? Bakit umabot pa sa puntong magbunga pagkakamali mo?”

Pero wala. Hindi ko rin alam kung paano pa tanggapin kung sakaling sagutin mo. Durog na durog na ko. Hindi ko alam kung san ako magsisimula. Lahat ng pangarap ko, kasama ka. Pero tutuparin ko na yata lahat yun mag isa.

Lumipas ang bagong taon na wala parin ako sa sarili. Hindi na tayo nagkita simula ng gabing yun. Lahat ng gamit ko sa apartment mo nakuha ko na. May susi naman ako, at alam ko naman kung kelan ka wala sa apartment mo. Ininform mo rin ako na aalis ka na dun kase kelangan ka ng mag ina mo.

Hindi parin ako makapaniwala sa nangyari. Sa isang iglap nagbago lahat. I started to hate Christmas break. I started to hate all men. I started to hate you but I always end up thinking how good you are nung tayo pa. Memories are killing me each day.

Hindi ko alam kung minalas ka dahil sa dinami dami ng babae, dun ka pa sa ex mo kung saan may striktong pamilya. Natali ka ng wala sa plano. Nabalitaan ko sa mga tropa mo na ikakasal kana. Miski sila nagulat sa nangyari nung cinongrats nila ako pero wala akong ideya sa engagement na sinasabi nila. Hindi pala nila alam na sa iba ka ikakasal. Hindi ka nagpost sa social media about your upcoming wedding. Friends pa pala tayo sa fb? hindi moko inunfriend. Bilang lang yata inembeta mo sa kasal mo. Biglaan eh. Curious tuloy ako kung sinu-sino sila since your friends are my friends too.

It’s been months my love. I am still recovering from the pain na iniwan mo. ECQ sucks. Holy week sucks. Ramdam na ramdam kong mag isa lang ako. Lahat ng nakikita at naririnig ko, naaalala kita. I don’t know how? when? where should i start to move on.

I keep on wishing and praying to God that He will give me more strength to endure the pain. I also pray that God will guide you everyday. Kilala kita, alam kong nasira din plano mo sa sarili mo. But everything happens for a reason. I hope someday makikita ko rin yung rason sa lahat ng to.

Please be happy my love. Hindi na ako nanggulo. Don’t make me regret for easily letting you go. Till’ we cross path again. I love you. I still do.

KC

2015

Psychology

FEU

POLO II

(PART 2)

Tulad ng binitawan kong salita, bumalik ako kinabukasan. Wala parin sa sarili. Napagdesisyonan nating pag usapan ang nangyari kaharap ang dalawang bote ng alak.

Kalagitnaan ng pag iinom natin, tinanong kita.

“Bakit ka nakipagkita sa kanya?” alam mo kung sinong tinutukoy ko. Pero halatang hindi mo inaasahan ang biglaang pagtatanong ko. “I’m sorry babe , di ko kase masabi sayo kase alam kong magseselos ka. Tumawag kase sya sakin nung nakaraan sabi nya may kelangan lang daw sya ...” marami ka pang sinabi at paulit ulit na nagsosorry.

Alam ko sa sarili ko kung gaano kita kamahal. At alam ko rin kung gaano kasakit kung iiwan moko. Kaya pinaniwalaan kita. Pinakinggan ko lahat ng paliwanag mo. Kaya pagkatapos ng gabing yun naging okay tayo. Balik normal lahat ng kilos mo, mas naging malambing pa nga. Kaya kahit nahihirapan akong ibalik sa dati ang tiwala ko, sinubukan ko, pinilit ko, para sa relasyon natin.

Dumaan ang ilang araw, kitang kita ko kung paano ka bumawi. Magpapasko na rin at mag te-three year anniversary na tayo. Sobrang saya ko kase sabi mo sa inyo tayo sasalubong ng pasko at didiretso tayong tagaytay para sa anniversary natin. Nakakatuwa lang kase ikaw lahat nag asikaso. Kahit sabi ko sayong tutulungan kita pero sabi mo, ikaw na bahala.

Dumating ang araw ng pasko. Walang mapaglayan yung tuwa ko dahil sinalubong natin ung pasko kasama ang pamilya mo. Tanggap na tanggap ako sa inyo. Biniro pa nga tayo kung kelan natin balak magpakasal. Ngumiti kalang sabay sabing “malapit na”. Kinilig ako dahil alam kong may plano ka para sa kinabukasan nating dalawa.

Mga alas 3 ng umaga umalis tayo sa inyo at dumiretso ng tagaytay. Ang ganda ng hinanda mo. May pa candle light dinner kapang nalalaman. Mas lalo kong naramdaman kung gaano mo ko kamahal dahil sa mga efforts mo.

“Maramiiingg thankkk youuu babbbee” tuwang tuwang sabi ko habang yumakap sayo. Pero parang di ka mapakali. “What’s the problem babe?” I asked you. “I’m okay babe. Ang saya ko lang na nakikita kitang masaya. Dapat ganyang ngiti lang lagi ha. Mas lalo kang gumaganda ...” maiyak iyak mo pang sabi. Feeling ko tuloy mas may bonggang surprise kapa sakin dahil sa mga kinikilos mo. Pumasok sa isip ko na baka engagement ring na ibibigay mo. Yay! Wala eh, I assumed kase ang perfect ng place na napili mo. First time natin sa ganto.

Marami tayong ginawa buong araw. Marami kang pakulo. Kaya pagod na pagod ako. Pagbalik natin sa hotel room, may surpresa ka pang hinanda sakin. Your gift for our anniversary. Of course, binigay ko din yung regalo ko sayo. Simpleng relo lang na pinag iponan mo simula pa nung nakaraang taon pero di mo mabili bili dahil sa dami ng gastusin.

Magmamadaling araw na, umupo tayo sa may balcony. “Happy Anniversary babe” sincerong sabi ko. Pero hindi ka sumagot. Akala ko hindi mo narinig kase nakayuko ka, kaya inangat ko ulo mo. Pero laking gulat ko nung nakitang kong sunod sunod tumulo mga luha mo kasunod ng paulit ulit na paghingi mo ng tawad.

“Babeee, bakit ...”

Hindi ko matuloy tuloy yung sinasabi ko kase iba ang pakiramdam ko sa nangyayari.

“Kc...”

Bigla akong nanlamig sa sinasabi mo. Tinawag moko sa pangalan ko.

“Kc, sorry. Let’s break up amicably . Buntis si **** ....” nabingi ako. Paulit ulit na nagpe-play sa utak ko ang huling katagang narinig ko. Hindi ko na narinig ang kasunod na mga sinabi mo. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Hindi ako makapagsalita. Tanging hagulgol mo lang at paghihikbi ko ang maririnig sa loob ng kwartong tinutuluyan natin.

PS: Sorry po napahaba. Sesend ko nalang po ulit yung kasunod. Pasensya narin po kung natagalan yung part 2. Hindi ko pa talaga kayang ikwento nung nakaraan. Sa mga nagtatanong po, yes okay lang po ako ngayon, humihinga pa.

KC

2015

Psychology

FEU

POLO

December 18, 2020. Another normal day for the both of us. As usual friday, our favorite day kase kinabukasan day off natin parehas, rest day as well as babe time. Pero this week medyo iba kase you requested for a leave last wednesday kaya medyo nakapagpahinga ka.

We are both working in Metro Manila but your apartment is somewhere in Cavite. Kaya every friday i always go home in Cavite instead in Paranaque where i lived. As i said this day is another normal day but it is quite different. You're like not interested to see me than the usual friday night na sinusundo moko para sabay tayo umuwi or tinawagan moko kung san na ko. You just texted me "ingat ka papunta" as a reply sa sinabi kong "medyo late ako , OT one hour" .

I thought it was just my mood swings or you know, hormones kaya nag iinarte ako ng ganun. May nararamdaman akong kakaiba but i managed to discard my negative thoughts. Things went well and i reach your apartment around 8pm. Nakakagulat lang kase hindi moko sinalubong ng yakap tulad ng parati mong ginagawa pagkapasok ko sa apartment mo.

Hindi ko nalang pinansin, kase nakikita ko namang busy ka sa pagluluto ng dinner natin. Nginitian mo naman ako as a sign na napansin mo presence ko.

Tulad ng nakagawian , inayos ko mga gamit mo bago ako magpahinga. Napansin kong medyo makalat ang apartment. Pati yung polo mo na ginamit mo nung wednesday nung sinabi mong nakipagkita ka sa kaibigan mo, nakakalat pa sa higaan. Stress ka yata sobra sa trabaho.

Pagkatapos kong maglinis, umupo na ko sa kama. Nag sscroll sa social media habang iniintay na matapos kang magluto. Habang nanunuod ako ng videos sa tiktok biglang tumunog yung phone mo, and out of curiosity binuksan ko messenger mo para sana tignan kung sinong nag message dun. ( normal sating magbukas ng phone ng isa't isa , we even have passwords sa mga social media accounts natin, sadyang hindi lang natin binubuksan kase may tiwala tayo sa isa't isa -- it is just for emergency purposes).

But that night made me questioned myself , tama ba na pinagkatiwalaan kita? The moment i saw your ex message you saying " thanks for the time last wednesday, nag enjoy ako sobra" with stolen pic of yours , nanghina ako. Kusang bumuo ang mga luha sa mata ko. Hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin at gagawin. I open the picture and i observe how genuine your smile while you are eating, wearing your favorite polo na niregalo ko sayo. You even sent me a selfie last wednesday saying "ang ganda talaga ng polo na binigay mo sakin babe , nakakadagdag pogi points". Natuwa pa ako kase realtalk, bagay sayo pero hindi pala para sakin ang pag aayos mo.

Wala sa isip nareplyan ko yung message ng "hahaha". Ewan ko kung san ako natatawa, sa message mo o sa sarili ko kase i never expect this to happen. Alam mong selosa ako , kaya pinapakita mo sakin na wala akong dapat ikakaselos. Lalong lalo na sa ex. Binlock mo pa nga sya sa facebook para hindi na makapagmessage sayo.

Nagtyping na ex mo, pero bago pa sya magreply nilagay ko sya sa ignored message. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko ginawa yun, basta ang nasa isip ko ayoko munang malaman mo ngayon na nag message sya. Ayoko ring idelete kase nasa usapan din natin yun na pwedeng magbasa ng messages sa isa't isa pero hindi pwedeng mangealam/magdedelete.

Naluha ako. Pero ayokong masira tayo dahil lang sa pangyayaring yun. Mag te-three year anniversarry na tayo sa pasko, sa susunod na lingo na yun tapos mag aaway pa tayo? Kahit naiiyak ako, nilakasan ko loob ko. Lumapit ako sayo at niyakap ka ng nakatalikod. Ayokong humarap sayo kase alam kong mapapansin mong namumula mata ko. Niyakap kita at hindi nga ako nagkamali, napansin mong may kakaiba sakin.

You asked me "what's wrong?".

"Can i go home today, parang gusto ko munang mapag isa" mahinang sagot ko.

Halatang gulat ka kaya nilingon moko agad at hinawakan mukha ko sabay tanong "Why? Okay ka lang ba? Anyari, tell me. I am willing to listen, nasigawan ka na naman ba ng boss mo? "

Tumulo luha ko. Tumalikod ako sabay sabing " Please just for today gusto ko munang mapag isa, babalik ako bukas ng gabi"

KC

2015

Psychology

FEU