MAN UP

To The Boy I Loved Back in College,

I could remember the way you smiled at me, the jokes you cracked in class, the way you smelled when you said you haven’t taken a bath for days because that’s what engineering students did.

I could feel your hand touching mine as we sang “The Lord’s Prayer” when you and I went to church on a sunday afternoon after I accompanied you on your Christmas shopping. I could even taste that buko pie from Laguna or Tagaytay that you bought for me on your way home from your field trip.

The random dates, oh! There were a lot. You would ask me out every time you were available, or should I say, every time you were in between relationships.

I, on the other hand, also had a couple of legitimate boyfriends over the years. But never ever in those ten years were you really out of my mind.

Back in college, I told myself that I would find you once I graduated and got a stable job. But my jobs were not stable for three years. I moved from one company to another, trying to search for where I would fit in. And when I finally found the job that I loved, you had a serious relationship with someone else. And worse, you moved to another continent.

We still kept our communication lines open. You still maintained your original mobile number because of its sentimental value, like you said. But even when you broke up with your serious girlfriend, you NEVER pursued me.

We confessed our feelings to each other explicitly and implicitly countless of times. I waited. I thought to myself that maybe, you were still enjoying your bachelorhood.

I waited for years.

Though we would go out whenever you were on vacation in Manila, you never said a word about our status. You would just text me whenever you felt like going out on a date. And I would just say “yes" every time… until I could say yes no more.

I am sorry for not having waited a little longer for something that would or would not come. I am sorry for not being aggressive enough or vocal enough to tell you how much you meant to me when it could have still made a difference. But I am just like other girls who prefer being loved and pursued to loving one-sidedly.

There’s nothing I can do now. I won’t wait for you anymore. I won’t hold you back from loving other women. I won’t ask for your attention anymore or your time or for even just a short reply to my messages.

I am letting you go.

You may own a piece of my heart forever, but I won’t let you own all of me anymore. Not because I stopped loving you. I still do. It’s just that I got tired waiting for you to man up... so I married another man — a man who loved me back like you never did.

Pekeng Haponesa

20**

BE

UP