LAST
Counting down to the last few days before Christmas and that’s the day you’ll come home, Love. Few days before the Christmas should look like an easy peasy, compared the four years that I’ve waited for you to come into my life. But why does it feels like its so hard to wait?
I am asking you everyday if you’ll be home the next day or next week and yet, you can’t give me a sure answer. Love, its been a long time since the tragedy but why cant you come home? I wanted to see you before I leave and I wanted to give you my gifts personally.
By the way, I just finished designing our future house including the floor plan and exteriors. This is quite special for me because it will be one of my Christmas presents for you. Can’t wait to see your reaction as I’ll give you my handwritten vow that we are planning to get it framed after the wedding, my unsent love letters since our day 1, my pictures so you can keep me inside your wallet or in your back pocket, the socks with beer design because for you, alak is life and the watch that will remind you of the present time. You were having a hard time guessing those as you can hear me wrapping it all during our last night’s call. You were asking for clues; I told you that it is only me who can make these stuff (because you wont let no one to design your house except for your wife di ba?) and those are the things that you like to see hanging in your room (my vow, my photographs, my designs, my letters). Remember an old agreement that before our wedding, I have to design our house since I’ll be one left there for 24/7. (Funny how can I give up my career just to be your house wife)
Love, I want you to come home. I wanted to see you for the last time. I wanna sing you my fave Ben & Ben songs, Pagtingin, Araw-araw, Sa Susunod na Habang Buhay, because you are my real life Ben & Ben songs. I am still hoping that seeing you will make me change my mind because you are the only one who keeps me from holding on to this life.
I can still remember the day when I found out the doctor’s diagnosis; that is the same day that I confessed because life is too short to waste my time hiding these feelings. Then all of my sadness turned to happiness when you also said those words “mahal rin kita, matagal na; mahal na kita kahit noon pa nung sugapa ka pa sa alak”. Love, you said we’ll get second opinion from the best doctors in manila. You supported me in my decisions to not let anyone know this except for us two. You convinced me to start my treatments next year in exchange for a secret wedding; that before I start my medications, well fly to your hometown and get eloped. You made me feel that I am never alone, that we are in this together.
I was the one who’s sick but you are the one who became so dependent to me. You got hooked in the way I would handle things. You can go anywhere you want, drink any time or any day, go anywhere without the need to update me, do things that you want and you won’t hear anything or a single rant from me. I just want you to send me a message every night that you come home safe. Sabi nga ng tropa, I am the greatest “sana all” ng mga jowa.
But life would test us in so many ways. In your absence, I became too comfortable with my “friends”. You always become jealous and grumpy. Then, someone took an advantage of something I’ve been reserving for my whole life. After this tragedy, you start keeping your problems to yourself. Akala ba dalawa na tayo ngayon? Na hindi ka na magisa sa buhay kase kasama mo na ako ngayon? With the way I see it, kaya mo na yata. Kaya mo na wala ako. I told you my plans, that I wanted to leave and never return. You were crying, and said na hindi mo pa kaya na mawala ako. But love, paano naman ako? Can’t you see that I became so selfless and always willing to be compromised? Love, I just need you to come home now. I need your comfort that everything will be fine again. I need your hug that makes me feel safe and secured. It’s been months since that tragedy and I may look fine and back in my normal self but you don’t know how hard it is to fight my fears, deal with my nightmares every night, suffer in my depression and have to accept and fix myself again. Its been months but why am I still hoping for you to come home?
Love, I have to see you before this Christmas. I must see you for the last time. I want to set you free before I leave. Make me change my mind. I don’t want to leave you because I know life has been too hard on you but what about me?
I just pray that you would be able to forgive everyone including yourself. I hope that y’all will all move on, time will heal all things. I do pray that one day, you’ll be able meet someone who’ll cross any distance for you, prioritize you, understand you and love you the way I did. I do pray for your happiness even if it no longer includes me. Love, promise me that you’ll endure the pain of letting me go. Maybe in the next lifetime, we’ll find each other and make things right. I love you so much and I have fulfilled my promise to love you until the last day of my life.
Ellisse
2015
Anon
DLSU
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