HOW TO IMPROVE MYSELF?

Paano ba? HAHAHA

Almost 2 years na kami ng boyfriend ko, and for the past months we've been together- madami kaming napag awayan and mostly, ako yung rason. Bakit? Kasi alam ko kasalanan ko lagi and I know we both know that. I am a very sensitive person, ako yung taong sobrang babaw lang, I am so hyper and laging over-reacting even in simplest and shallow things. Kadalasan literal ako mag isip, hindi ko nga alam kung bakit naging top 1 ako way back highschool non e. Tingin sakin ng mga kaklase ko- masayahin,yung iba oo tama naman sila na OA raw ako. And yes, I am. I am a certified overthinker, actually noong hindi pa kami ng boyfriend ko, hindi naman e. Hindi naman ako overthinker non, I've always had a positive and simple outlook in life. Not until I met my man, doon kasi alam ko may masasandalan ako, he brings out the best and the worst in me. Pero alam niyo yon? I've never had a chance to change those worst of me,never. Kaya everytime we argue, sinisisi ko sarili ko kasi I overthink like "puro nalang ako sorry, kelan ba ko magbabago?" Yung nasa punto ka lagi na kinukuwestyon mo yung sarili mo na kapag mag aaway kayo, lagi nalang "Sorry, sorry". And there are times I told myself to change, to grow, to improve. Pero paano ba? How to be better? Can someone tell me how?

Everytime na mag aaway kami sasabihin niya (not the exact but shortly it means) "Sinabi mo na yan last time na nag away tayo, pero ayan naulit na naman" , "Nakakasawa nalang, ulit ulit nalang."

Madalas, isip bata ako, oo inaamin ko. Parang hindi pa ko naka-alis sa phase ng buhay ko na I'm already a college student. I should be matured enough to handle things better, I should think wiser and way more matured than I did when I was highschool, pero alam niyo yon? May part naman sa akin na matured ako mag isip, pero mostly and literal, mababaw at isip bata. I don't know how to specify the right word for me pero siguro Childish.

I'm having a confession here kasi I don't know what to do to myself anymore. Ayokong maghiwalay kami, pero pakiramdam ko ilang punto nalang mawawalan na ng kami. Kasalanan ko lagi, kadalasan kasi makulit ako, kasi mababaw ako, kasi hindi ako nagbabago, kasi ulit ulit nalang, kasi pasaway ako.

Sabi niya ako daw yung deserving na girlfriend sa kanya, pero I can't help myself overthinking na the best yung nauna niyang niligawan. Hindi naging sila, hindi na niya mahal- oo. Pero pag nag aaway kami, nakukuwestyon ko rin sa sarili ko, "Paano kung sya nakatuluyan mo? Paano kaya kung sinagot ka nya?

Madami akong kasalanan, pagkukulang bilang girlfriend at bilang tao para sa kanya at para sa sarili ko. Noong nakilala ako ng mama niya, mas gusto nila yung niligawan nya before and until now I don't know if I already had their side. Pero alam ko kulang pa, I need to court them more, to make more effort pero pati yon hindi ko magawa. I don't know how to handle and reach his parents’ expectations.

Can someone tell me how to be the best? Kung paano ba baguhin yung pag uugali kong to? Kasi ako mismo, pagod na din sa sarili ko, pagod na din akong kwestyunin yung sarili ko na bakit ba kasi hindi ko magawang magbago? Ano ba kasi yong dapat kong gawin?

I want to be the best, not just a better person.

I want to be the best for him.

I want to be the worth it one.

I want to be.the.best.future.manugang.

So I'm reaching out to all people out there who've been in my shoes before and currently experiencing the same right now. Kasi ako? Hindi ko talaga alam. Pinapatatag ko naman yung sarili ko e, ayoko lang din lumapit sa mga kaibigan ko-kasi may kanya kanya silang buhay at kaibigan na inaalalayan.

Kaya ko naman to mag isa, pero ang hirap pag mismong sarili mo yong kalaban mo.

Hanggang dito nalang muna.

Lucy

2021

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