Hii guyss! How's the quarantine going? Kamusta? I hope y all fine. I just wanna share my confessions and realizations. Before ako mag share dito marami na akong nabasang mga confessions. Lagi kong naiisip na sumubok mag share pero nahihiya ako. It took me a couple of months before deciding to share. I hope na mabigyan ako nang chance nang mga admin para mapost ito. So eto na nga during this pandemic I am never expecting na magiging productive ako. Lagi akong tinatamad, walang ganang gumalaw galaw. I don't wanna involve my self to anything and anyone. Then this unexpected thing happened my previous teacher in High school persuaded me to join a Youth organization. Which is di naman ako ganoon ka interested at first medyo hesitant pa ako mag join coz I don't even know anyone in the group. Maramiingg neww faces and I'm afraid to be out of place. Noong unang activity ay hindi ako umattend coz I'm really hesitant like what if para akong tanga roon. Pero my teacher keeps on persuading me to join. She said "I know you needed it. Join and share your skills, meet new friends, explore your youth. Wala namang mawawala sayo. Just try. Never waste your time habang bata kapa make new memories that you can always treasure when you grow old."
After that I decided to join at first It was really awkward. Pero as time goes by nagiging close ko na sila. I would crack jokes and laugh with my co youths. Unti unting lumalabas na ko sa comfort zone ko. And I was really happy not until I met this guy in the org. I'm never expecting that I'll like him coz he's the total opposite of my ideal man. At first ignore ignore ko lang sya pero he's just too sweet, caring and kind to be ignored. He would offer to walk me home and give me a free ride on the second day na nag join ako sa org inabot na kasi kami nang gabi at delikado na pauwi. I wasn't expecting that he would offer to give me a ride home. Yung mga co youths ko kase they asked me kung taga saan ako sabi ko opposite ways tayo I live there and I pointed the way to a dark street may poste naman nang ilaw pero delikado talaga. They said "are you sure kaya mo ba umuwi mag isa?" Sabi ko "oo kaya ko to ako pa ba hahah" pero sa loob loob ko takot talaga ako mag isa.
Then this guy na kanina ko pa tinutukoy itago nalang natin sya sa name na Jay he said that ihahatid nya na ako. Sabi ko wag na po okay lang kuya okay na ko. Sabi nya "cge na wag kana mahiya mas mabuting safe ka." tapos ayon inihatid nya na ako sa bahay. Btw hindi ako yumakap sakanya nung sumakay ako sa motor nya duhh? I don't do chansing HAAHAH de jok lang I'm just not comfortable hugging someone's body kahit pa yan wlang malisya. Then sabi nya humawak kang maayos pero humawak lang ako sa isang balikat nya. Nakauwi naman ako sa bahay. And after that medyo may naramdaman na akong konte pero binabaliwala ko lang kase ayokong mafall. And habang tumatagal kami sa org mas lalo akong nagkagusto sakanya. But I'm always denying it to myself lagi kong pinipigilan. Why? Dahil takot ako. Takot ako na magkagusto at masaktan nang sarili kong expectations coz kahit aminin mo man o hindi pag nagmahal you are also wishing that, that someone will also love you back. Pero wala kahit anong pigil ko nagka gusto pa den ako sakanya. Siguro tatlon beses nya din ako naihatid sa bahay pero umiiwas na talaga ako kasi iniisip ko masasaktan lang ako. There's this time na tumakas pa ko para hindi nya na ako ihatid coz I don't wanna let my feelings develop more. But he still insisted na ihatid ako. Actually I was a little pissed that time kasi di gumana yung plan ko na pag iwas.
Confused na confused ako sa pinapakita nya saken. I don't wanna put malice sya mga pinapakita nya but it's so hard not to. Hanggang sa na observe ko na sweet, caring and kind pala sya hindi lang sakin pero sa lahat nang youths. Na misunderstood ko lang lahat I was hurt that time but I can't blame him. So I blamed myself I'm so stupid to assume that someone will see me as a special and important person. Ang sakit na nag assume ako without knowing na ganon lang pala talaga sya. Nalaman ko din na may long term girlfriend na sya. Kaya ginawa ko talaga lahat nang makakaya ko para umiwas kahit mahirap. One of my friend jokingly said na "girl kaya pa yan maagaw di pa naman mag asawa jowa palang naman eh.." But I said no. First of all kahit di man sila mag asawa may relationship sila at kasalanan yun sa Diyos hinding hindi ako makiki extra sa relasyon nang may relasyon ayokong magkasala kay God. Pangalawa, Babae din ako at hinding hindi ko kayang makita ang kapwa babae ko na masaktan dahil sa kagagawan ko. Pangatlo hindi ako ganoon kadesperado na landiin ang alam ko na may mahal na at may karelasyon. At panghuli marunong ako rumespeto nang may relasyon at may natitirang respect pa naman ako sa sarili ko. And I couldn't imagine myself ruining somebody else's happiness. Alam ko kung gaano kasakit ang mawalan nang happiness sa buhay. It's like you're alive but Half dead. Ang point ko lang dito sa pag share ko is to serve as an eye opener na when you love someone you should not expect that they will also love you back. Just love them but don't obligate them to love you back.
Another thing before assuming make sure and know everything before jumping into conclusions coz trust me It'll hurt like hell. And lastly dyan sa mga mahiling kumabet sa may relasyon nang relasyon think twice, triple, or even more. Huwag mong hayaan na ikaw ang maging reason nang ikakasira nang buhay nang iba. Wag ganon ghorl. Wag mong ibaba ang iyong delikadesa. Learn to wait and trust the process coz for sure may taong nakalaan para saatin. And ghorl alam mo yung karma? Karma is a b*tch kung ano ang ginawa mo sa kapwa mo baka doble ang balik sayo. I'm not here to brag myself na dapat ako idolohin or dapat maging kagaya nyo ako. I just wanna say na You should always keep in mind that you should not be the cause of someone's suffering.dahil never nagiging masaya ang mga nakikiapid.
Ngayon nasa pagkalimot stage ako at gusto kong mwala na ang feelings ko sakanya I'd rather suffer the consequences of loving him kasi ginusto ko na gustuhin sya well just unexpectedly.
I just wanna say to you Jay na you're a good man. And I wish you and your partner the happiness and love you deserved. Gusto kita pero nirerespeto ko na may nauna na. Iiwasan kita sa paraang alam ko at hindi na makakasakit pa nang damdamin nang iba. And I'll admit that I'm hurt by my own expectations.
M_assumera
2020
Freshman BSED
BCAInternational School
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