AGE GAP

Hi FEUSF! I'm Meca. I just want to release this burden in my heart. It feels so heavy lalo na at hindi ko mailabas kahit sa mga friends ko dahil i can't find the courage to do so.

Nahuhulog ako sa taong way older than me. As in really, really old guy. He's 35 while I'm 19. See the gap? And first time nangyari sa akin 'to.

Falling for a guy whose age is way apart to mine? Yes, I prefer older guy but i didn't saw this one coming. And hindi n'ya alam. Wala s'yang ideya na nahuhulog nako sa kanya. He's clueless. Naging stress reliever n'ya ako sa hectic nyang schedule.

We always talk. Palagi rin syang natawag. Akala ko yun lang yon pero ako tong na-attach eh. Nasanay ako lintek. Alam ko ang age gap namin before i admitted to myself that I like him no, I like him even more that it's too close to love.

I have a bunch of reasons kung bakit ko s'ya nagustuhan. I'm really in love with his personality. On how he carry himself, how he compose himself, on how he perceives things. The way he sort things out, the way he explain something na kahit ang babaw yes, pero ang lakas ng impact sakin.

I'm in love with his 'aspects of maturity' since yeah he's old kaya ganon na s'ya ka-matured. Pero 'yon ba talaga? Am i infatuated? Am I just admiring him? Puppy love? Sana, pero paano kung hindi?

Mayaman s'ya, nagtatrabaho sa VXI, so pwedeng pwede syang makahanap ng mas better. Sa age nya? Pang seryosohan na ang hanap nya. Alam ko kahit hindi nya pa sabihin. Nasanay na ako sa kanya e tang'na talaga.

Kabisado ko na s'ya. May nagugustuhan na syang babae that's what I know. What's worst? Kahawig ko pa! Great.

Ang hirap lang, tinatry ko naman syang hindi isipin. Kapag nakikita nga ni ate na may kausap ako thru phonecall sinasabi ko "ah si Ron to yung manliligaw ko" kahit ang totoo sya naman talaga. I'm afraid of what they might think.

Takot akong i-judge nila ako. Kase kahit naman maging negative or positive tayo palagi pa rin silang may masasabi. And now, hindi na kami palaging nag-uusap. Nagtu-turn off chat ako every time na makikita kong online s'ya.

Umiiwas ako baka kase lumala? Natatakot ako. Lintek naman kase self! Mahuhulog na nga lang, sa taong mas matanda pa sa akin! Ano nang gagawin ko? I miss him so much.

Tho hindi lang naman sya ang nakakausap ko palagi since busy nga s'ya. Si Ron din, minsan may iba pa pero sya talaga e, yung tipong 'd@mn, nagchat siya!'

Ganon. Masaya ako. Tipong kahit walang certain topic? Bigla na lang kayong magju-jump into something na mapag-uusapan, minsan nauuwi pa sa pagdidibatehan dahil meron s'yang sariling preference sa certain topic na yon, so do I. Meron din ako and i don't filter my words. Kaya nga may freedom of speech. But at the end of the day, mas nahuhulog lang ako.

Hindi ko man s'ya pagtuunan ng pansin pero ganon parin e. Hindi ko naman iniisip promise, pero pumapasok talaga. Naiisip ko talaga s'ya. Sa sobrang frustrate ko gusto ko nang umiyak bwiset. Lintik kasing matandang yon! Mangkukulam. Tang'na puppy love paba to? Infatuation?

And I remember, we set a friendly date this coming first week of june. I suddenly felt the urge na gusto ko s'yang lutuan. Hindi ako palaging laman ng kusina alam ng familya ko yan. Infact i barely cook.

Hindi hassle since may bahay sila dito sa village kahit na hindi s'ya nakatira dito and marami rin syang kamag-anak dito sa place namin. But the question is, itutuloy ko pa ba? Tang*na. Gulong-gulo ako.

Ibo-block ko ba? Eh lagi ko ngang hinihintay na magpop up yung message nya sa messenger. Nafu- frustrate ako na gusto ko nalang magshutdown, literally.

For you my happiness,

Hey, kamusta ka? I hope you’re doing good. Stay healthy so please iwasan na ang magpuyat. You're not getting younger anymore. You want early libing? And please ingat sa mga nae-encounter since pandemic, prone ka to get infected. Although, we don't talk that much or not really? Kase hindi na ako nagparamdam, pero iniisip pa rin kita. I always pray for your health. I wish you find what you are looking for.

I just wanna say that ever since I met you, I no longer desire anything more than spending my precious time with you. You mean a lot to me. You're my comfort. You're my kind of safe haven in this chaotic world.

Eca

2021

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