The night before, I couldn't contain my happiness, kaya tinext kita:
Me: See you tomorrow, Ken
smile emoticon
Him: Yes, see you in your wedding dress, my beautiful bride
smile emoticon
Wedding Day:
I saw you right there, so dapple in your tailor-made suit, standing tall amidst the crowd, waiting at the altar. The wedding singer started singing, it's our favorite song "Runaway" by The Corrs. It was my cue to walk down the aisle. Everyone was smiling, one look at their faces, alam kong masaya sila. Habang papalapit ako, flashbacks of our memories together came in my mind. The 7 years of our relationship, before this unforgettable day, the ups and downs of our life, our future, on how many kids we wanted to have, where to settle, the promises and the life that we are going to live for a lifetime.
But, I noticed, you were crying. Were those tears of joy? Why? I asked myself.
Pagdating ko sa dulo ng altar, you held my hand and hugged me so tight. And whispered, "I Love you, Scar, always will."
Then you gave my hand to him, your bestfriend.
That day, I married your bestfriend.
The Bride
Faculty of Philosophy
2008
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Shooting Star
A day after my Lolo died, I rummaged through his stuff. I had so little sleep that I could not make sense why I did but I kept searching and searching until I came across a dusty leather bound journal. One that I remember he always read from when I asked him to tell me stories when I was little. I opened it, and found quaint little symbols and a dedication that read: " To G.M. "
Then flipped through the pages and realized that the journal was my Lolo's, and the stories he read to me were real accounts of his life.
I reached the end of the journal, and there was an unfinished entry, written in red ink and blotched by what seemed to me, teardrops. It read:
" Saturday, 18th October
I sat here all day thinking about what I could have possibly done to scare you away, my love. There are no words, no words at all to describe how I feel right now. All I know is that this pain is the worst kind of pain, and if ever I make it through, I will never be the same man again. Tell me, have you forgotten all the promises we made? I promised to marry you, and so I shall, but alas, now that you're gone, how can I? "
I was amused at how my Lolo wrote. In my mind I knew it was my Lola he was writing for. They loved each other very much, and I didn't think that they would have such misunderstandings like these over the years.
My Lola came in and asked if I was okay. I nodded, and held the journal close to me. She looked at it with a wide gaze, and paused for a moment before shedding a tear.
"They're together now", she uttered faintly.
"Who is, Lola?"
"Your Lolo, and Cassandra, his first love."
I was filled with curiosity. Lolo always told me that Lola was his first love. So then, who is this Cassandra?
"That journal is all about Cassandra, my dear child. Your Lolo loved her so much. I should know, I am his best friend. I was there through it all. Cassandra was ahead of our time. She was very strange, so very strange. Your Lolo has an appetite for strange, that is why he was so drawn to her. They became a couple for so long that your Lolo was already planning to propose marriage to her. One night, she suddenly disappeared. Just gone, with no goodbyes. Gonzalo vowed that he will be with that shooting star again. Days before your Lolo died, he had recurring dreams of Cassandra, asking him to come with her. We talked about it. He told me that he refused to come with her. He has been miserable all these years, so I let him go. I gave him my blessing, and one night, he just stopped breathing."
Ch
AMV College of Accountancy
Then flipped through the pages and realized that the journal was my Lolo's, and the stories he read to me were real accounts of his life.
I reached the end of the journal, and there was an unfinished entry, written in red ink and blotched by what seemed to me, teardrops. It read:
" Saturday, 18th October
I sat here all day thinking about what I could have possibly done to scare you away, my love. There are no words, no words at all to describe how I feel right now. All I know is that this pain is the worst kind of pain, and if ever I make it through, I will never be the same man again. Tell me, have you forgotten all the promises we made? I promised to marry you, and so I shall, but alas, now that you're gone, how can I? "
I was amused at how my Lolo wrote. In my mind I knew it was my Lola he was writing for. They loved each other very much, and I didn't think that they would have such misunderstandings like these over the years.
My Lola came in and asked if I was okay. I nodded, and held the journal close to me. She looked at it with a wide gaze, and paused for a moment before shedding a tear.
"They're together now", she uttered faintly.
"Who is, Lola?"
"Your Lolo, and Cassandra, his first love."
I was filled with curiosity. Lolo always told me that Lola was his first love. So then, who is this Cassandra?
"That journal is all about Cassandra, my dear child. Your Lolo loved her so much. I should know, I am his best friend. I was there through it all. Cassandra was ahead of our time. She was very strange, so very strange. Your Lolo has an appetite for strange, that is why he was so drawn to her. They became a couple for so long that your Lolo was already planning to propose marriage to her. One night, she suddenly disappeared. Just gone, with no goodbyes. Gonzalo vowed that he will be with that shooting star again. Days before your Lolo died, he had recurring dreams of Cassandra, asking him to come with her. We talked about it. He told me that he refused to come with her. He has been miserable all these years, so I let him go. I gave him my blessing, and one night, he just stopped breathing."
Ch
AMV College of Accountancy
Left Behind
I started as your confidant, a platonic friend who constantly listens to your problems. I was at first aloof of your constant messages, and persistence of opening a conversation. Avoiding you is my way of rejection, because I can't befriend you. Then came one day, I got tired of your little hi’s and realized that you might just need a friend who isn’t part of your clique.
You opened up everything to me, from academic problems, family misunderstandings, how your day went, and relationship issues. It seems like I was your diary, a friend who listens and advices the way you need it. I tried to understand everything you shared with me, and kept them in a chamber behind my mind where no one can unlock it. I slowly became your confidant, your adviser, and your best friend.
Gradually, I became part of your circle and your friends knew me as well. Until I suddenly notice some difference. Your looks became intimate, our conversations got deeper, the time we spent together became longer, and we got out of the circle and went on our own- just the two of us. People around us started to doubt what are we, and I also begin to find my place. Who am I to you? What are we? What is this kind of feeling? These dilemmas gave me hell, until I decided to confront you. You honestly told me that we are something more, that you will fool yourself if you told me that we are just merely friends. Hearing those words coming directly from you suddenly freaks me. I was alarmed, knowing that this thing isn’t right.
So I sent you away, saying that you just misconceive the feelings you felt for me. We just spent more time together than we should, and we just got used to each other’s presence. You told me that you will fix things for me, but I didn’t hold on to that. I’ve told you to work things out, because it is the right thing to do. My presence is just giving you a crux to decide on, and I shouldn’t be in this situation in the first place anyway. We slowly drifted away, and live our lives before we met.
A few months passed, and I didn’t hear anything from you. That made me feel relieved, and told myself that I made the right decision, and said the right words. But you came back, telling me that the thing you previously had was already gone. You have decided to end the toxic relationship you had, telling me that your efforts weren’t reciprocated, and things can’t work out anymore. You told me that you continuously thought about me, and asked me to give it a try. You promised me that I can now hold on to you, things will be right, and you don’t want me to go. I saw the sincerity in your eyes, and I believed in you.
Things went smoothly for the two of us, were just purely happy together and it is evident with our smiles. People around us are happy too, like they’ve already expected this to come. Being with you is my happiest, and your efforts made me fall even more. You are showing me to the world like you are too proud to have me, you held me like you don’t want to let me go, your eyes smiles with your heart by just looking at me, and your kisses tastes like cotton candy. My happiness is overflowing, and I can’t find the right words to explain how this love drives me crazy.
One day you dropped by to send me some sweets to indulge in, and said good luck before driving home. It was one of those random days that your thoughtfulness makes my day, but I was unaware that it will also be the last sweet thing you’ll do for me.
A sudden jolt pinched my nerves after reading your message that night, telling me that you are already ending the thing between the two of us. I was dumbfounded; I don’t know how to react, I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know what to feel at that moment. You later told me that you didn’t really broke up, and you were given a last chance to choose. And you did not choose me.
I questioned myself, my decisions, my actions, and my heart for betraying me like this. I was wondering what went wrong, until I realized that it was all wrong from the very start. I should have chosen my battles, because this is the kind of game I could never really win. I don’t have the right to fight at all. I felt helpless. I felt used. I was completely unaware of what’s happening, and I don’t have the intentions to wreck someone else’s feelings. But I still did.
It’s been months now, but it seems like it was just yesterday; haunting me like I am a criminal. I can’t describe the kind of pain I am feeling every time I accidentally heard your name, and it seems like you are everywhere I go. I should be okay by now, but I am not. I can’t find my way back to be happy again, because this emptiness is slowly killing me. The struggle is real, and I’m recovering very slow. I was left behind without a decent goodbye, and it appears to be like I was just some kind of a regret; a mistake that you want to undo. That I don’t even deserve and explanation for everything that had happen. It’s so unfair.
I keep feeding my mind that I will get through this, that you just came into my life and went away to make me stronger. I have been in a wrong situation, but that shouldn’t make me less of a person of who I really am. I am having a hard time coping up, but instead of giving myself false hopes, I hope that you are already happy and you won’t need another me. I’m hoping for the happiness of us both, it just takes time for me to get there. Maybe you would have stayed if I haven’t left you first. It is truly painful to be left like this, and to be judged by people around me not knowing what had happen. But I’m trying my best to be strong and move forward, because life doesn’t end here.
I know you will soon figure out that I wrote this for you, and at that moment I hope I have already forgiven you.
Lou
2008
Faculty of Arts and Letters
You opened up everything to me, from academic problems, family misunderstandings, how your day went, and relationship issues. It seems like I was your diary, a friend who listens and advices the way you need it. I tried to understand everything you shared with me, and kept them in a chamber behind my mind where no one can unlock it. I slowly became your confidant, your adviser, and your best friend.
Gradually, I became part of your circle and your friends knew me as well. Until I suddenly notice some difference. Your looks became intimate, our conversations got deeper, the time we spent together became longer, and we got out of the circle and went on our own- just the two of us. People around us started to doubt what are we, and I also begin to find my place. Who am I to you? What are we? What is this kind of feeling? These dilemmas gave me hell, until I decided to confront you. You honestly told me that we are something more, that you will fool yourself if you told me that we are just merely friends. Hearing those words coming directly from you suddenly freaks me. I was alarmed, knowing that this thing isn’t right.
So I sent you away, saying that you just misconceive the feelings you felt for me. We just spent more time together than we should, and we just got used to each other’s presence. You told me that you will fix things for me, but I didn’t hold on to that. I’ve told you to work things out, because it is the right thing to do. My presence is just giving you a crux to decide on, and I shouldn’t be in this situation in the first place anyway. We slowly drifted away, and live our lives before we met.
A few months passed, and I didn’t hear anything from you. That made me feel relieved, and told myself that I made the right decision, and said the right words. But you came back, telling me that the thing you previously had was already gone. You have decided to end the toxic relationship you had, telling me that your efforts weren’t reciprocated, and things can’t work out anymore. You told me that you continuously thought about me, and asked me to give it a try. You promised me that I can now hold on to you, things will be right, and you don’t want me to go. I saw the sincerity in your eyes, and I believed in you.
Things went smoothly for the two of us, were just purely happy together and it is evident with our smiles. People around us are happy too, like they’ve already expected this to come. Being with you is my happiest, and your efforts made me fall even more. You are showing me to the world like you are too proud to have me, you held me like you don’t want to let me go, your eyes smiles with your heart by just looking at me, and your kisses tastes like cotton candy. My happiness is overflowing, and I can’t find the right words to explain how this love drives me crazy.
One day you dropped by to send me some sweets to indulge in, and said good luck before driving home. It was one of those random days that your thoughtfulness makes my day, but I was unaware that it will also be the last sweet thing you’ll do for me.
A sudden jolt pinched my nerves after reading your message that night, telling me that you are already ending the thing between the two of us. I was dumbfounded; I don’t know how to react, I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know what to feel at that moment. You later told me that you didn’t really broke up, and you were given a last chance to choose. And you did not choose me.
I questioned myself, my decisions, my actions, and my heart for betraying me like this. I was wondering what went wrong, until I realized that it was all wrong from the very start. I should have chosen my battles, because this is the kind of game I could never really win. I don’t have the right to fight at all. I felt helpless. I felt used. I was completely unaware of what’s happening, and I don’t have the intentions to wreck someone else’s feelings. But I still did.
It’s been months now, but it seems like it was just yesterday; haunting me like I am a criminal. I can’t describe the kind of pain I am feeling every time I accidentally heard your name, and it seems like you are everywhere I go. I should be okay by now, but I am not. I can’t find my way back to be happy again, because this emptiness is slowly killing me. The struggle is real, and I’m recovering very slow. I was left behind without a decent goodbye, and it appears to be like I was just some kind of a regret; a mistake that you want to undo. That I don’t even deserve and explanation for everything that had happen. It’s so unfair.
I keep feeding my mind that I will get through this, that you just came into my life and went away to make me stronger. I have been in a wrong situation, but that shouldn’t make me less of a person of who I really am. I am having a hard time coping up, but instead of giving myself false hopes, I hope that you are already happy and you won’t need another me. I’m hoping for the happiness of us both, it just takes time for me to get there. Maybe you would have stayed if I haven’t left you first. It is truly painful to be left like this, and to be judged by people around me not knowing what had happen. But I’m trying my best to be strong and move forward, because life doesn’t end here.
I know you will soon figure out that I wrote this for you, and at that moment I hope I have already forgiven you.
Lou
2008
Faculty of Arts and Letters
NgaNga
Nagsimula ang lahat ng maging magkatabi kami nung first year. Madalas nya akong asarin, pero ako nakikiride lang. Pano ba naman, kilala sya sa classroom na badboy, kaya hanggat maaari, sinubukan kong hindi makisama sa kanya at sa mga kaibigan nya. Akala ko nung nagkahiwalay kami ng section nung second year, makakaligtas na ako sa mga pangaasar nya. Pero mas malala pa pala ang mga nangyari. Parang title ng movie "That thing called Tadhana."
Nagkahiwalay nga kami ng section, pero nagsimula naman kaming magusap sa text. Hindi ko din alam kung pano nga nagsimula, pero ang alam ko hindi nakukumpleto ang araw ng hindi sya nakakatext. Nakaramdam na din ako ng pag asa sa love story naming dalawa, hanggang sa naconfirm ko na meron nga. Dahil isang araw, umamin na nga sya.
Sya: Mahal na ata kita..
Ako: O__O
Natuwa ako syempre, dahil gusto ko din sya. Pero kasabay non, natakot din ako. Dahil kilala nga syang badboy, at hindi ako sigurado kung totoo ba ang sinasabi nya, o isa lang ako sa mga collection nya. Kaya hindi ko din sinabi sa kanya ang nararamdaman ko. Sinabi ko lang sa kanya na patunayan nya muna na talagang mahal nya ako. He agreed. Sabi niya liligawan nya ako. Kaya naman sa school kapag breaktime, pumupunta sya sa room at tumatabi sakin para kausapin ako. Nakakatuwa lang, kasi pakiramdam ko talagang nageeffort sya. Madalas syang mag I love you sa text, pero hindi ko pa rin sinasagot. Dahil narin siguro galing ako sa heartbreak bago sya nagparamdam, at sinabi ko sa sarili ko na kung magmamahal ulit ako gusto ko ung mamahalin din ako ng totoo.
Sya: Alam mo na ba?
Ako: Na?
Sya: Na mahal na mahal kita?
Ako: (Speechless)
Kaya naman after a week, ng naramdaman kong totoo sya, nagdecide na ako na sagutin na sya..
Maaga ang uwian nila noon, at maaga din sya umuwi. Ako naman, excited na din umuwi para sabihin sa kanya na mahal ko din sya. Pagkacheck ko ng phone ko, wala na namang text. 2 days na kasi syang hindi nagttxt at since busy sa school, inakala ko na busy lang talaga sya. Kaya ako na nagtxt sa kanya.
Ako: Hi.. Kamusta ka na?
Sya: Eto, okay lang naman.
Ako: May gusto sana ako sabihin sayo e.
Sya: Ano?
Ako: Mahal din kita.
grin emoticon
Ang tagal ng reply. Iniisip ko na baka sobra syang natutuwa. Yung parang sa movies na nagtatatalon ang mga lalaki kapag sinasagot sila. Pero ito ang reply nya.
Sya: Sorry, pero narealize ko na ayoko muna magkagirlfriend. NArealize ko na gusto ko ung ganito, paflirt flirt na lang.
Ako: (Nagulat) Paflirt flirt? Akala ko ba mahal mo ko?
Sya: Ako din e. Akala ko din. Pero ganito talaga ako e. Sorry, hindi ko sinasadyang maging pafall.
Ako: (Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala) Hindi ako naniniwala. Sabihin mo sakin na mahal mo ko. Lagi mong sinasabi sakin na mahal mo ko bago ako matulog.
Sya: Osige. I love you, pero wala ng meaning to. Sorry kung nasaktan kita. Matulog ka na, may klase pa bukas.
That night pakiramdam ko bumagsak ang mundo sa katawan ko. Ang bigat sa dibdib, ang sakit. Hindi ko naimagine na magiging ganun ang kalalabasan. Pero ano nga ba ang dapat kong iexpect? Hindi pa rin pala sya nagbago, akala ko kaya nya magbago para sakin. Mali pala..
The next day, hindi ko alam kung pano sya haharapin kung sakaling magkasalubong kami. Pero isang balita ang unang sumalubong sakin..
Sila na daw ng classmate nya. At wala na akong ibang nagawa kundi ang mapanganga..
Miss AB
2010
Faculty of Arts and Letters
Nagkahiwalay nga kami ng section, pero nagsimula naman kaming magusap sa text. Hindi ko din alam kung pano nga nagsimula, pero ang alam ko hindi nakukumpleto ang araw ng hindi sya nakakatext. Nakaramdam na din ako ng pag asa sa love story naming dalawa, hanggang sa naconfirm ko na meron nga. Dahil isang araw, umamin na nga sya.
Sya: Mahal na ata kita..
Ako: O__O
Natuwa ako syempre, dahil gusto ko din sya. Pero kasabay non, natakot din ako. Dahil kilala nga syang badboy, at hindi ako sigurado kung totoo ba ang sinasabi nya, o isa lang ako sa mga collection nya. Kaya hindi ko din sinabi sa kanya ang nararamdaman ko. Sinabi ko lang sa kanya na patunayan nya muna na talagang mahal nya ako. He agreed. Sabi niya liligawan nya ako. Kaya naman sa school kapag breaktime, pumupunta sya sa room at tumatabi sakin para kausapin ako. Nakakatuwa lang, kasi pakiramdam ko talagang nageeffort sya. Madalas syang mag I love you sa text, pero hindi ko pa rin sinasagot. Dahil narin siguro galing ako sa heartbreak bago sya nagparamdam, at sinabi ko sa sarili ko na kung magmamahal ulit ako gusto ko ung mamahalin din ako ng totoo.
Sya: Alam mo na ba?
Ako: Na?
Sya: Na mahal na mahal kita?
Ako: (Speechless)
Kaya naman after a week, ng naramdaman kong totoo sya, nagdecide na ako na sagutin na sya..
Maaga ang uwian nila noon, at maaga din sya umuwi. Ako naman, excited na din umuwi para sabihin sa kanya na mahal ko din sya. Pagkacheck ko ng phone ko, wala na namang text. 2 days na kasi syang hindi nagttxt at since busy sa school, inakala ko na busy lang talaga sya. Kaya ako na nagtxt sa kanya.
Ako: Hi.. Kamusta ka na?
Sya: Eto, okay lang naman.
Ako: May gusto sana ako sabihin sayo e.
Sya: Ano?
Ako: Mahal din kita.
grin emoticon
Ang tagal ng reply. Iniisip ko na baka sobra syang natutuwa. Yung parang sa movies na nagtatatalon ang mga lalaki kapag sinasagot sila. Pero ito ang reply nya.
Sya: Sorry, pero narealize ko na ayoko muna magkagirlfriend. NArealize ko na gusto ko ung ganito, paflirt flirt na lang.
Ako: (Nagulat) Paflirt flirt? Akala ko ba mahal mo ko?
Sya: Ako din e. Akala ko din. Pero ganito talaga ako e. Sorry, hindi ko sinasadyang maging pafall.
Ako: (Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala) Hindi ako naniniwala. Sabihin mo sakin na mahal mo ko. Lagi mong sinasabi sakin na mahal mo ko bago ako matulog.
Sya: Osige. I love you, pero wala ng meaning to. Sorry kung nasaktan kita. Matulog ka na, may klase pa bukas.
That night pakiramdam ko bumagsak ang mundo sa katawan ko. Ang bigat sa dibdib, ang sakit. Hindi ko naimagine na magiging ganun ang kalalabasan. Pero ano nga ba ang dapat kong iexpect? Hindi pa rin pala sya nagbago, akala ko kaya nya magbago para sakin. Mali pala..
The next day, hindi ko alam kung pano sya haharapin kung sakaling magkasalubong kami. Pero isang balita ang unang sumalubong sakin..
Sila na daw ng classmate nya. At wala na akong ibang nagawa kundi ang mapanganga..
Miss AB
2010
Faculty of Arts and Letters
Cersei x Jamie
I’d like to share my story, a story that’s frowned upon by many people who have heard of it and knew about it.
Itatago ko nalang ang sarili ko sa pangalang “Rachel”. I have a twin brother na itatago naman natin sa pangalang “Gavin”. Kuya Gavin and I shared a womb; we came to this world together. We grew up and learned together how judgmental the real world is.
It all started when we were 12. Originally, meron talaga kaming tig-isang kwarto, pero nang magkahiwalay ang tito ko at ang asawa nya, our parents decided that our uncle should stay at Gavin’s room for a while. Kuya Gavin had to move in to my room.
Every night was like a fun, slumber party. We would talk about stupid, childish things like inventing new mechanics for our “tagu-taguan” the following day, we would tell each other “Pedro, Juan and Jose” jokes and make fun of our neighbor’s kid who was about the same age as we were that time.
For four teenage years, we were in the same room; we slept in the same room, changed clothes in the same room. He was there for me, I was there for him. We shared each others’ heartaches. We shared problems. It wasn’t actually a big deal to the both of us but when our uncle finally got his sh*t together, he decided to move to Australia and Kuya Gavin had to move back to his old room. The first night of not being in a room together felt very different. Suddenly, everything was gloomy. Mostly, ang mga teenagers, they would kill to have a room of their own pero ako? I wanted my twin brother to be here with me. Just looking at that space on my room made me reminisce the times when he was sitting there, laughing at my jokes, kissing me on the forehead before he would take off his shirt and go to sleep. What I felt that night was so wrong, but in a way, it felt so good. I would recount the image of him taking off his shirt again again in my head. Napapa-kagat ako sa labi ko. But then I started crying. Feeling ko, baliw ako nung gabing ‘yun. Hindi ko napansin, madaling araw na, biglang may kumatok ng very, very light sa pinto ng kwarto. I opened the door and it was Kuya Gavin.
We looked at each others’ eyes for a minute. I saw the fire in his eyes. He held my face and he kissed me. We closed the door behind us and locked it. He kissed all over my neck and it felt so good; knowing that the one you’re doing this with was with someone you knew you trust with your life We were both virgins, I was sure of that and that night, we took away each others’ dignities.
After the sweaty, passionate sex, he stood up, kissed me on the forehead, put on his shirt and went back to his room. I was still surprised about what happened. I was there, lying naked between the sheets of a mistake that I, myself, loved to make.
The next day, it felt really awkward to be around him. Who wouldn’t be, right? I just had sex with my twin brother. If someone finds out, we’re both dead.
While we were eating lunch with the family, my dad was suddenly talking about incest. I don’t know why. We can’t look at each other when my dad was telling us this story of an abnormal kid formed by incest. But under the table, while our dad was continuously blabbing about it, Kuya Gavin held my hand.
Many nights passed and the same thing happened over and over again. He would go inside my room in the middle of the night, we would have sex, he would and we don’t speak about any of it the next day. I was starting to yearn for something more. I was falling deeply in love with my twin brother and I know, he’s feeling it too. He’d slip signs saying that he’s feeling the same.
For two years we had this thing going on. Until our 18th birthday came, my mother kept on asking the both of us why we don’t have any boyfriend and girlfriend yet. We would just laugh about it.
Another year passed by, Kuya Gavin brought home a girl. A girl she got pregnant. When he told us, I instantly ran to my room, locked the door and cried. Kuya Gavin kept banging on my bedroom door, saying that he’s sorry. My parents were really dumbfounded and shocked to see how both of us reacted. Both of them decided to have the baby out of wedlock.
After two months of not talking to each other and just deliberately locking myself into my room, I noticed that my menstruation stopped coming. I was freaking out. I took a pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant. I never had sex with anyone else but my twin brother. My mother found out about me getting pregnant and my parents were devastated. My twin brother was having a baby, I was having a baby. I was in third year college when I got pregnant with Kuya Gavin.
That night, Kuya Gavin went to my room and for the first time, we talked about us. He held my hand and he was crying while kissing my fingers and gently putting them on his face. He kept on saying sorry. With all the things he said, this is what I remember most: “Kasi yung nararamdaman ko sa’yo, hindi katulad ng nararamdam ko para sa iba. Alam kong mali, pero mahal na mahal kita.”.
He asked me to elope. But it would be unfair for my parents and to the other baby he’s having. I decided to tell my parents that I was somehow tricked into having sex with a random guy and that I decided to have the baby as well. I remember Kuya Gavin saying that he would “stand as my baby’s father”. I also stopped going to school for a while to have my baby.
My baby boy is now 2 years old. He’s normal, thank the gods.
I know I would get a lot of judgment around here. But nobody knows who I am because I haven’t said anything about me in connection to UST. But I guess it’s for the best.
F
2010
College of Lannisters
Itatago ko nalang ang sarili ko sa pangalang “Rachel”. I have a twin brother na itatago naman natin sa pangalang “Gavin”. Kuya Gavin and I shared a womb; we came to this world together. We grew up and learned together how judgmental the real world is.
It all started when we were 12. Originally, meron talaga kaming tig-isang kwarto, pero nang magkahiwalay ang tito ko at ang asawa nya, our parents decided that our uncle should stay at Gavin’s room for a while. Kuya Gavin had to move in to my room.
Every night was like a fun, slumber party. We would talk about stupid, childish things like inventing new mechanics for our “tagu-taguan” the following day, we would tell each other “Pedro, Juan and Jose” jokes and make fun of our neighbor’s kid who was about the same age as we were that time.
For four teenage years, we were in the same room; we slept in the same room, changed clothes in the same room. He was there for me, I was there for him. We shared each others’ heartaches. We shared problems. It wasn’t actually a big deal to the both of us but when our uncle finally got his sh*t together, he decided to move to Australia and Kuya Gavin had to move back to his old room. The first night of not being in a room together felt very different. Suddenly, everything was gloomy. Mostly, ang mga teenagers, they would kill to have a room of their own pero ako? I wanted my twin brother to be here with me. Just looking at that space on my room made me reminisce the times when he was sitting there, laughing at my jokes, kissing me on the forehead before he would take off his shirt and go to sleep. What I felt that night was so wrong, but in a way, it felt so good. I would recount the image of him taking off his shirt again again in my head. Napapa-kagat ako sa labi ko. But then I started crying. Feeling ko, baliw ako nung gabing ‘yun. Hindi ko napansin, madaling araw na, biglang may kumatok ng very, very light sa pinto ng kwarto. I opened the door and it was Kuya Gavin.
We looked at each others’ eyes for a minute. I saw the fire in his eyes. He held my face and he kissed me. We closed the door behind us and locked it. He kissed all over my neck and it felt so good; knowing that the one you’re doing this with was with someone you knew you trust with your life We were both virgins, I was sure of that and that night, we took away each others’ dignities.
After the sweaty, passionate sex, he stood up, kissed me on the forehead, put on his shirt and went back to his room. I was still surprised about what happened. I was there, lying naked between the sheets of a mistake that I, myself, loved to make.
The next day, it felt really awkward to be around him. Who wouldn’t be, right? I just had sex with my twin brother. If someone finds out, we’re both dead.
While we were eating lunch with the family, my dad was suddenly talking about incest. I don’t know why. We can’t look at each other when my dad was telling us this story of an abnormal kid formed by incest. But under the table, while our dad was continuously blabbing about it, Kuya Gavin held my hand.
Many nights passed and the same thing happened over and over again. He would go inside my room in the middle of the night, we would have sex, he would and we don’t speak about any of it the next day. I was starting to yearn for something more. I was falling deeply in love with my twin brother and I know, he’s feeling it too. He’d slip signs saying that he’s feeling the same.
For two years we had this thing going on. Until our 18th birthday came, my mother kept on asking the both of us why we don’t have any boyfriend and girlfriend yet. We would just laugh about it.
Another year passed by, Kuya Gavin brought home a girl. A girl she got pregnant. When he told us, I instantly ran to my room, locked the door and cried. Kuya Gavin kept banging on my bedroom door, saying that he’s sorry. My parents were really dumbfounded and shocked to see how both of us reacted. Both of them decided to have the baby out of wedlock.
After two months of not talking to each other and just deliberately locking myself into my room, I noticed that my menstruation stopped coming. I was freaking out. I took a pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant. I never had sex with anyone else but my twin brother. My mother found out about me getting pregnant and my parents were devastated. My twin brother was having a baby, I was having a baby. I was in third year college when I got pregnant with Kuya Gavin.
That night, Kuya Gavin went to my room and for the first time, we talked about us. He held my hand and he was crying while kissing my fingers and gently putting them on his face. He kept on saying sorry. With all the things he said, this is what I remember most: “Kasi yung nararamdaman ko sa’yo, hindi katulad ng nararamdam ko para sa iba. Alam kong mali, pero mahal na mahal kita.”.
He asked me to elope. But it would be unfair for my parents and to the other baby he’s having. I decided to tell my parents that I was somehow tricked into having sex with a random guy and that I decided to have the baby as well. I remember Kuya Gavin saying that he would “stand as my baby’s father”. I also stopped going to school for a while to have my baby.
My baby boy is now 2 years old. He’s normal, thank the gods.
I know I would get a lot of judgment around here. But nobody knows who I am because I haven’t said anything about me in connection to UST. But I guess it’s for the best.
F
2010
College of Lannisters
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